TV Transcripts


Primetime Glick

March 9, 2002

Primetime Glick is a comedy parody of a talk show hosted by Martin Short who plays "Jiminey Glick".

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An interview full of laughterGlick Ok then, my next guest burst onto the scene in the 1974 film classic, Death Wish, in which he played punk #2 or was it punk #3? I always get those two roles mixed up. He's circus tall but carnival cute with a deadpan quality that can honesty wear thin after a while so I'm not 100% sure how this is going to go. But he's here, he's been booked and there's no use crying over spilled up milk. So get yourself a huge can of RAID because here comes the fly himself, Mr. Jeff Goldenbloom.
[Jeff walks out laughing and smiling]
Glick Come and sit.
Jeff Here I come.
Jeff We've so much to talk about.
Glick Oh my gosh, look at that [pans to band] inaudible because you're a musician yourself. Sit down Jeff Goldenbloom!
Jeff Here I go. [applause] Thank you.
Glick You're loved.
Jeff I love you. I love you. Now, it's just GOLD-BLOOM.
Glick Gold-bloom?
Jeff Yeah, you're saying Goldenbloom.
Glick Your name is Jeffery Lynn?
Jeff Yes, that's right
Glick That's an odd name for a fella', Lynn
Jeff Well
Glick After Lynn Redgrave...hey! [drumfil] Why do you call a boy Lynn unless you want him to be one of these? [makes sissy hand movement]
Jeff Well, it seems sissified ... Lynn Swann, Lynn Swann. Pittsburgh Steeler.
Glick Were you a shy child Jeff Lynn Gold [looks at paper] blum
Jeff [Jeff makes movement] ahhh.., ye...some...
Glick Is that yes from your planet or how does that work? What's your idea of a first date? What is a first date for you, Sir?
Jeff Oh, let me see [is grabbing at shirt collar & neck] a first date anything ... well I
Glick Is your head going to fall off? What happened here?
[Jeff laughs]
Famous Lynns
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Is your head going to fall offGlick You're so beautifully mannered, go ahead.
Jeff First dates are very nice. I like...I can enjoy dating. You're just getting to know someone...
Glick You ever take viagra?
Jeff [Jeff changes facial expression] No
Glick Oh
Jeff You? [motions towards Glick a little]
Glick I took it about a half an hour ago
Jeff pulls hand back from Glick and laughs
Glick I take it for...I get drymouth and it helps
Jeff I don't...I don't want to say anything scandalous
Glick What are you saying?
Jeff Wasn't there something, I'm sure it wasn't
Glick I love when the conversation get back to me. [Glick grabs bowl with food]
Jeff Jeff laughs That's a combing. You don't mind the food combining?
Glick pretends to be cleaning himself like a cat
Jeff laughs
Jeff But, wasn't and Star Jones? Was there anything there? What happened?
Glick Star Jones is a very complicated girl and she's very beautiful you know. People say "Oh I hate Star Jones. Star Jones scares me" Well sure, after you get to know her. But that first date, there's magic in that first date Jeff Goldenblum. Tell me about Ben Vareen.
Jeff Oh, Ben Vareen. Wonderful. Saved my life, literally
Glick How did he did that?
Jeff One day in Pacoma we were shooting on Tenspeed and Brownshoe, the series we did together and . . .
Glick I have it on tape
Jeff Thank you very much…and it was a rainy day and I went into my trailer and I went and I closed all my windows and I passed out. Later it turned It turned out that the tailpipe was smashed into the cabin. . .
Glick NO!
Jeff and there were fumes. You have to be careful of those things.
Glick OH MY GOD in heaven! How did you do? What happened next? [Jeff is laughing] I'm know for the first time during this interview I'm awake. This is interesting!
Jeff I'm sorry.
Glick Do you die?
Jeff Look at me, no.
Was their any permanant braing damage?
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Glick Oh, that's right. of course not go ahead.
Jeff I went to the hospital and they did everything and then they realized that I'd gotten asphyxiated almost from these fumes.
Glick And was there any permanent brain damage?
Jeff [smiles hilarious smile] Possibly, I don't know
Glick Oh, I hope not! Although I would have loved to have met the old Jeff. [Jeff laughs]
Jeff Although speaking of which. . .
Glick Yes?
Jeff Oh I was just going to bring up, I probably even shouldn't do this. My gra... [laughs] My great grandparents were first cousins.
Glick Oh! That explains it! The final last piece of info. Oh my goodness gracious, that's against the law in so many states.
My Grandparents were cousinsJeff Let's say I'm making it up.
Glick You're making it up?
Jeff I'm sure I am.
Glick You're being facetious That's what you do. You play with people's minds Jeff Goldenblum. You look at people and [makes movements and noises]. And it's made you millions of dollars. You're very cagey
Jeff I am cagey.
Glick And you're very good.
Jeff Thank you very much.
Glick This has been absolutely . . we've covered a Jurassic Park we didn't get to that. That must have been a big payday. Ka-ching, Ka-ching. Every time one those mechanical things nipped at your butt you made another million. I know how that works. And I loved you in Remember my Name as Mr. Newt.
Jeff Oh, as Mr. Nut? You say Mr. Newt. That's an obscure one. People don't remember that.
Glick Oh I do. I have followed your career. I've followed your career to the point where I can't look at it anymore. I took about an 18-year break but I'm right back with the new stuff. I really do. I think you're wonderful [starts hitting Jeff's leg with papers, Jeff "owws"] I think you've represented everything that is smart and clever. It's perfect! The fly! [swats him one last time] That's all you want to do! Jeff Goldblum ladies and gentleman!
Swatting the Fly
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